this is probably the toughest topic of crapping for me.
the one area where i am very sensitive of talking about
and after all these years,tears and fears of disappointment
im here to talk about me, my weight and their comments.
here it goes.
i guess the first time i realised i had an overweight issue was when i was 12 years old.
rizmey, fitri,rushdi and all them boys at school called me "63" because tht was my weight the teacher recorded in my std6 book.(remember those times that had that week of checking weight, kutu, teeth, etc)
then at swimmingClass my parents registered for both my lilBro and i, even before class started the instructor said i can never learn how to swim, not with that weight. I always thanked Allah for the other instructor who took the challenge.
i was so thankful i enjoyed secondary school, met great frends and still hv them.fullstop.
uni life was all about studying and making the grades. another life of mine which i enjoyed.
then the one thing i never thought would happen to me happend,
i fell in love.
for that instant moment,
i was thinking to myself,
hey even fat people can love and be loved.
it was tough maintaining the first love with constantly getting comments about hw fat you look in tht blouse, or how ugly my makeUp was or worst how ugly i make him look, by jst walking next to him.
the bit tht i knew wht i had was impossible to keep was the remark his mother pass to him after the first time i was introduced to her. She said that she will only hantar rombongan meminang after i loose some weight.
i left him.
then i joined Govt and thought, hey maybe i can serve and be patriotic to my country without joining the military. fat person can also make a difference.
but sure enough, during training itself i was not seen beyond my physical appearance.
infront of all my fellow traineeFrends, Encik Salim Parlan deliberately called out my name (and some others) and ask for BMI all because he got this instruction that all fat officers must loose weight immediately.
in fact thanks to him, im so scared tht someone from the Ministry where i am working now demands i either loose weight or leave.
i dont hate myself and i dont condone of being overweight as some sort of human right thing. i just hate wht people has made me feel about myself, pathethic.
yes, being fat is not healthy.
it contributes to all diseases and sickness.
being fat made me tell rafek before marrying me,
tht i might not be able to give him zuriat,
and if at tht point if he backs off, i will try to respect that (ida, remember this ? sadla kan?)
anyways, wht i want to say is,
criticism is something tht sticks to ones mind
and sadly for some,
it doesnt go away at all.
and worst, for others it decreases the motivation to liveLife/moveOn/held your head up high..ultilmately it tricks the mind to think that there is no such happy ending for fat people so settling with wht is there is good enough. :(
after watching "mualaf",
everynite before i sleep,
i forgive all those who have ever hurt me
(its just the forgetting part im having touble with.)
im sorry but there is no eppy note to end this.
jst didnt feel like it.
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1 comment:
Ya Allah! Nangis pls! And yes. I remember the time when you told me that. But babe, you always tell me as long as we're happy, nothing else should matter kan? Screw what ppl say la. I know its easier said than done. But we've gotta help each other out when it comes to matters of the heart. We be strong for each other. You've got love. You are loved. Remember, whatever you have, someone else lacks on that. Eh, ada paham ka? I hope I'm making 'some' sense here. Hehe.
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